


Letters to you [Jeanmarco/Jeanarmin]

by iwa_kage



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-16
Updated: 2021-02-16
Packaged: 2021-03-17 23:40:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,693
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29480070
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iwa_kage/pseuds/iwa_kage
Summary: After Marco’s death Jean doesn’t really know how to cope, so he starts writing letters to Marco. Hoping Marco’s reading them right over his shoulder.
Relationships: Armin Arlert/Jean Kirstein, Marco Bott/Jean Kirstein
Comments: 1
Kudos: 29





	Letters to you [Jeanmarco/Jeanarmin]

**Author's Note:**

> The timeline of events is not accurate to the show so don’t mind that! I hope you enjoy!

12/22

Dear Marco, 

Today was the first day without you, it felt different and definitely a lot quieter without you. Connie and Sasha are trying to take my mind off of you but i’m scared if I stop thinking about you I’ll forget what you even look like. I’m scared if I stop recalling old conversations we’ve had that I’ll forget the sound of your voice. I sound crazy but that’s the last thing I want, I don’t want to forget you Marco. Today we get to pick our regiments, I know I told you I wanted to join the military police, and hell I could if I wanted to. But I’m not, I‘m joining the scouting legion, fucking stupid right? Fuck I’ll probably die tomorrow if I go this path, but that just means I’ll get to see you again right? Well, just know Marco, everything I do from this point on is for you. Maybe it’s always been for you… but I can say it for sure right now. I miss you, I can't wait to see you again. 

Love, Jean

Ps. I have your ring your mother gave you when you were younger, i know it’s not mine but I wear it now. I just wanted something that reminded me of you. 

12/31

Dear Marco, 

It’s New Year’s Eve, though we're not doing anything of course. Just resting for however long we can before some shit happens again. Sasha is leaning on my right shoulder and connies on my left so it's kind of hard to write but I’m trying. We all miss you, we always have a moment of silence between conversations because we all expect you to chime in and say something that actually makes sense and stops Sasha and connies dumbass bickering. Marco, Marco, Marco, Marco, Marco… sorry was that weird? I just miss you, so much, way more than just a friend should haha. I’m tired, sorry this is short but today was exhausting, Captain Levi isn’t very nice. 

With much love, Jean 

Ps. I miss you, I want to see you soon, but I know you’d skin me alive if you saw me anytime soon. So wait for me. 

1/8 

Dear Marco, 

We’re going on a mission today, Eren is going to patch a wall Maria with big boulders while we're stuck as live bait for the Titans. Sometimes I wonder why we go with Armin’s plan but he is a genius so I trust him… kind of. Armins yelling at me to hurry up, he acts as if he’s my mother but you were no different. Also I still can’t stop thinking about you, even after all this time. It’s like fuck, Armins on my ass now gotta go. 

Love, jean 

Ps. I think I love you. 

1/15 

Dear Marco, 

So I consulted Connie about me loving you and he called me crazy and asked how I could fall in love with a dead man. And to that I didn’t know the answer, it’s not like I’m falling in love with you right now. I definitely fell in love with you a long time ago, I think I can recall the exact moment. 

We were still training to be cadets, and that day there was a blizzard. It was a huge blizzard so we couldn't do much outside, so it was a pretty easy day for us. I remember not being able to sleep that night because it was so cold, you heard me turning in my bed. You told me to shut up and called me annoying but yet you still came down to my bunk and asked what was up. I told you I couldn’t sleep cause of the cold and you came up with the stupid idea of becoming even more cold so in here is warm. Then you threw my coat in my face and dragged me outside. 

“Let’s build a snowman, this snow has been sitting for a bit so it should be perfect to roll and stick together!” You said. 

I groaned but proceeded to help you make the first boulder of snow. I told you my hands hurt like hell and you grabbed my hands and breathed slowly onto them. Your hot breath helped my hands a bit but the real thing that was hot was my face. In that moment I remember thinking you were so beautiful with your flushed cheeks. Yeah, that was definitely the moment I fell in love with you. I just regret that I didn't tell you in that moment and instead I’m telling you now when you’re gone… though I’m sure you know. You’re probably looking over my shoulder squealing like a 14 year old girl right about now. Well yeah, I, Jean Kirstein am in love with you, Marco Bott. 

With a little too much love, Jean 

Ps. I really need to get over you, and I say that with as much love as possible 

1/15 

Dear Marco, 

Armin has been on my ass all the time lately, but maybe that’s because I keep getting forced to work with him. I’m just thinking about a lot of things and he knows that, I actually appreciate him a lot though. He knows I’m struggling with your death so even though he yells at me he still takes more of the workload without telling me. He really is nice. Ah crap he’s yelling at me again, I know you’re mad at me for being in love with you. You’d probably tell me I’m stupid or something for being in love with a dead man so I promise I’ll get over you. But I’ll always, always, always, always, always love you. 

With more love then before, Jean 

Ps. Armin found out I was writing letters to you so he says hi. 

1/22 

Dear Marco, 

I miss you a lot today because I can't sleep, I want to see you again. I really do, I’d do anything to kiss you, or just build a snowman again with you. Well during my late night thoughts I thought about if I was in love with someone else, and if you magically came back if I’d run back to you. I think I would, I think there’s no one I can love more than you. Though that doesn’t mean I can’t love again right? I’m sure you’ll lead me to an angel but they're not as good as yourself because you are a bit selfish. It’s cute though, like how you stole my bread. Ah Armin came up to my bunk so I’m going to talk to him. 

With love, Jean 

Ps. I miss looking at your freckles, I love you 

1/29 

Dear Marco, 

These days I’ve been getting really close with Armin, he’s actually pretty amazing. He’s smart and nice, though he can be sarcastic and snarky sometimes too. Just like you, he reminds me of you so much. Maybe that’s why I’m sticking around him, that sounds mean… but he’s a great guy. You two definitely have your differences though. Like how you think everyone can be a good person, but it’s the people around them that shapes them into a bad one. You’re also a lot more honest and straightforward, with you it’s like everything was transparent and clear. Nothing about you seemed off or fake, even every one of your smiles towards me seemed genuine.  
Gosh I’m so in love with you. 

Love, Jean 

Ps. I think Armin thinks I’m weird since I write letters to my dead best friend 

2/5

Dear Marco, 

We’re going outside the walls again tomorrow, I’m just praying for our group to come back okay. I’m sorry if you see one of them soon, just know that I tried. We’re going with a plan made by Armin and commander Erwin of course, probably the two smartest people in our group right now. There’s a part of me who wants to use this excuse to see you, but that would be pathetic, and you’d probably hate me forever right? Oh I forgot to say, I hope you know I never loved Mikasa in the way I love you. I don’t think I ever could, she’s way too obsessed with “Ereh”. I asked Armin the other day if he feels like he “third wheels” with those two. Surprisingly he said no, he told me that Mikasa is very kind and caring towards him. I mean I would hope and assume so since their childhood besties and all. He also said he doesn’t ever feel lonely because of them… and me. He said he likes talking to me, which was kind of cute. Well I gotta rest up for tomorrow so this is all. 

From yours truly, Jean 

Ps. I miss you and love you. 

2/12 

Dear Marco, 

Connie and Sasha told me I look good with Armin today. I wonder if you’d think so too, do you? I felt a bit happy for some reason, is that weird? I mean I guess it’s a compliment to say I look good as someone as talented and… pretty? Handsome doesn’t really suit Armin… anyways. Sometimes I wonder if you loved me too. Was the sparkle in your eye because of me? I hope so. 

Jean, 

Ps. You’re pretty too, I miss you 

3/12 

Dear Marco, 

Woah it’s been awhile, I’ve been really busy lately. Things just seem to get crazier and crazier with each day that passes. Lately there’s only been one or two things that make me forget the hellhole were in right now. It almost feels wrong to tell you though, since I love you and all but I feel like you’d beg me over and over again till I told you. So I guess I will, it’s… Armin. It feels like every time we talk I sink into his ocean blue eyes and forget about everything. I forget about you… fuck everything is messing with my head. I thought I never wanted to forget you, that's why I write these god damn letters! But with him everything seems so… good, like I can just listen to his voice without worrying if I’m going to make it to next week! Is that wrong of me?! I don’t want to forget you but forgetting you for even a split moment lets me breathe. I’m sorry Marco, you deserve better but I still want your guidance even now. Please tell me what I should do, what’s right and what's wrong. Tell me if I’m allowed to be happy without you. 

Jean, 

Ps. I’m sorry.

~~~ 

“Jean?” Armin walked into Jean's room and saw nothing but a candle lit on his table. He walked over to blow it out but then he found a letter. 

“Ah must be a letter to Marco.” Armin thought to himself, he was going to mind his business and walk away until he saw a glimpse of his own name on the paper. Armin felt conflicted but his curiosity got the best of him. Armin sat himself on Jean's bed as he read every word that stained the paper with ink. 

“Armin?!” The blonde whipped his head over to the door and saw Jean standing there. 

“What the hell are you doing?!” Jean walked over to Armin and pulled the paper from his hands. 

“Didn’t you’re pare- didn’t anyone teach you not to go through other people's stuff!” 

“Sorry Jean, really! I came to check up on you and saw the candle lit and you weren’t in here so I was going to blow it out but then I saw the note and saw my name on it and got curious and read it! I’m so so sorry!” Jean sighs and puts the letter in an envelope that’s addressed and stamped but slips it into his drawer. 

“Ugh, seriously Arle-” 

“It’s okay.” Armin says, cutting off Jean. 

“What?” 

“Well us, it’s okay to feel that way… with me.” Jean stands still in shock. 

“It’s not called forgetting, more like moving on.” 

“It’s the same thing.” Jean sighs and plants himself on his chair across from Armin. 

“No it’s not, you don’t need to forget someone in order to move on. You don’t need to forget Marco or your love for him, instead you’re letting it hold you back. Marco would slap you across your face if he knew how you were feeling.” 

“I bet his ghost is doing it right now.” Jean adds, Armin chuckles and Jean can’t help but feel his heart melt at the sound. Then the guilt hits him again. 

“But is it fair that I can be happy without him…?” The second Jean spoke these words Armin leaped to his knees and held Jeans face. The blonde hated this face Jean makes, the face that is covered in pain and guilt. 

“It wouldn’t be fair to you if you weren’t happy because of him.” Jean looks into Armin's eyes, the one he seeks comfort in, the ones he feels safe in just by a glance. 

“Why didn’t I save him? Why wasn’t I with him?! Why did I have to find him like that?! Why…” 

“It’s not your fault.” Armin spoke quietly and calmly, the words Jean wanted to hear for months. Jean let out a painful smile, and slowly Armin leaned in. Jean hesitated but “armins right” he thought. Slowly their lips came together, and Jean pulled Armin closer. He needed this, just Armin the only person he found peace in. As they let go he fell into those blue eyes again. 

“Jean, you are my Oasis that I can escape too, my break from this reality we live in. So because of that I am forever grateful to you. You are the only thing in my life that is normal, because like a normal person I can say I fell in love.” Armin says with a soft, genuine smile. Jean’s face flushes and he hides in Armins chest, soon enough Armin can feel hot tears through his shirt. 

“There, there.” He whispers as he runs his fingers through Jeans hair. Jean takes a deep breath… 

“I love you too.” 

~~~

4/13 

Dear Marco, 

These letters used to be weekly, what happened? Armin happened I guess. He kind of found the last letter I had written and read it. That nosy bastard. He told me some things though, he told me that forgetting and moving on are two different things. That what I need to do to be happy is move on not forget. That I can love you without being hung up on you, and I think I trust Armin. We also kissed. It was… amazing Marco. Marco can I be in love with Armin? He told me I was his oasis and I helped him escape the fucked up reality we live in. I was ecstatic, Armin, the amazing, stupidly smart, beautiful Armin, finds peace in me. When we kissed it was like everything was normal again, like we were just normal people living normal lives. But aside from that there was something I wanted to say to you, I don’t think I’ve ever asked you this… 

Marco, are you happy? 

From yours truly, forever and always, Jean 

~~~ 

Jean set down the feather and sighed, then he felt arms slinge around his shoulders and neck and a cheek weighing on the back of my head. He heard A faint voice, 

“Of course I am now that you are.” 

He whips his head around and sees him smiling, that same smile that always seems real and genuine. And with one blink… 

“Jean.” 

He closes his eyes again and smiles, then looks back up into the ocean blue eyes he adores. 

“Yes?” 

“Is that letter to Marco?” 

“Yeah, it is. It’s the last letter to him.” Armin frowns a bit but slowly it turns into a small smile. 

“Okay… well it’s time for dinner, we gotta hurry before Sasha eats it all.” Jeans sighs and puts the letter into an envelope 

~~~

TO: Marco Boldt 

FROM: Jean Kirstein 

ADDRESS: My heart

~~~

“That fatass, lets go.”

**Author's Note:**

> Ahhh! Thank you for finishing my fic, it really means a lot! I hoped you enjoyed the story, till next time.


End file.
